I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
this will be a night to untag.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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