maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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