this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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