you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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