Dual....:-)
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
