Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
