sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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