Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
