I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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