I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
