Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I checked into jail on foursquare
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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