You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You ruined the universe
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
