he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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