Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
