Soap is not a condiment
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
