I bet he comes in French.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
