WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
