my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Man, jail baloney is awful.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think people are normalizing furries
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
