3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
