u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
