I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
its liver damage thursday
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
