It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
