Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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