You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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