Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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