I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
