do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
i think i just lost a toe
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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