If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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