He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
