She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
