I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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