maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Drunk is a universal language darling
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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