I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
