I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
After tacos, we're chasing women.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
