She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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