I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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