I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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