if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
