Who did Billy Mays play for?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
