girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
