Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
