watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
