apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
