Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
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Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
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Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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