yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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