I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
