I am midnight drunk by noon
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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