stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
