Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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