Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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