I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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