Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
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She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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