Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
